Dear BMW,

I am in a storm and my house is on fire. I am 28 and married to my Chanco sweetheart. We live in Zomba where I am working with a human rights NGO. Because I earn a good salary I offered to help my wife’s siblings with education by providing a roof over their heads and paying for their education.

However, my generosity has landed me in trouble. All my wife’s female relations have migrated to my house. Her cousins and sisters have settled down in my house as if it were a refugee camp. The last time I counted them, they were eight! I really do not know how my wife manages to cook for them all (they can’t cook on their own).

What pisses me off is that three of my wife’s sisters, who are now employed, are so rude and uncaring. They are messy, untidy and can leave their underwears (knickers and bras) all over the house. One of them even uses our bedroom mirror for her makeup and to dress up.

These women behave as if I do not live in the house in the manner they sit (with legs apart) low cut dresses, etc. The youngest often puts on a low-cut top, exposing acres of her cleavage, leaving nothing to the imagination when serving me. They also make a lot of noise, use vulgar language and throw endless birthday parties during which they drink beer in the house.

As I write you BMW, one of these useless in-laws bulged into our bedroom yesterday morning while I was having a morning session with my wife. She did not even say sorry to me. She just giggled and walked out.

I can’t watch TV as the girls are always glued to Telemundo and I can’t have my own space to think or read. BMW, I have tried to reason with my wife to throw her relations out but she accuses me of not being supportive to her family. One more thing Biggie, I want to have kids with my wife, but how will I raise kids with all these people in my house?

What do I do?

PKK, via WhatsApp, Zomba

Dearest PKK,

What a stupid boy you are!

But I understand you PKK. This is a common problem most men face these days. Slay queens who happen to be in-laws are causing havoc in the homes. So, women out there hear me out. Familiarity breeds contempt. There are those in-laws who get so used to your men that they have no respect for your house. Please, throw them out at once.

If your man tells you that your sisters walk in and out of your bedroom like it were a public loo, throw them out at once. Relations must not treat your house as if it were a holiday camp.

Then, there are those that never assist with household chores. To them, the house is a hotel—to be served like kings and queens. My dear, throw them out at once.

So, if you ask me: How will I raise kids with all these people in my house? Here is my answer: Simply find another woman, marry her and have kids in peace because your house is a war zone and I do not see you having peace with all those in-laws of yours anytime soon.

And then, if you think you can’t handle them, bring in your little brothers so they sort out the mess. You know what I mean. It is clear your in-laws have no better times to spend in bed. Your siblings will know how to handle the situation.

It is, also, apparent that they are trying to test your patience. I strongly believe they are being sent by your wife to see how you can withstand temptations. Whether you yield to that temptation or not is up to you.

Please run. Muonda za ziii!

Big Man Wamkulu NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 888-209-027. No calls please!

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