Achieving an orgasm at the same time as your partner depends partly on feeling comfortable communicating clearly how you’re feeling during sex. You need to be able to talk to your partner about what feels good, what turns you on, what to keep doing, and what to stop doing.

Having an orgasm at the same time as your partner might also require you to put your partner’s needs before your own, holding off on your own climax until they can reach theirs. Or your partner may need to hold off for you. You and your partner both need to know what turns you on and how to achieve an orgasm individually before you can work on sharing an orgasm together.

Removing any pressure from you or your partner, enjoying the moment, and focusing on your sexual hot spots are all ways to help increase your chances of experiencing simultaneous orgasms. And while you don’t necessarily have to have intercourse to orgasm at the same time, we’ve got some tips to help you if you want to go that route.

Take the pressure off achieving climax simultaneously. The more you focus on it, the more you’re likely to feel like your s*xual encounter has failed if it doesn’t happen. Remember that having a fulfilling sexual experience has little to do with simultaneous orgasms. Focus instead on being in the moment and enjoying this time of intimacy with your partner. Think of having a simultaneous orgasm as a bonus, not the end goal of sex.

Having a simultaneous orgasm is as much about your partner’s experience as it is yours. Take the time to find out what turns your partner on and what they enjoy. This can also help take the pressure off you to reach climax. You may find that focusing on your partner is as much a turn-on for you as it is for them, helping you to orgasm at the same time.

As you tune into your partner’s needs, you’ll find you naturally begin to synchronize with them. Take turns stimulating and pleasing each other, but if you find you’re getting too close to orgasm and your partner isn’t there yet, slow yourself down. This is actually easier to do than speeding up an orgasm. In the meantime, listen to your partner’s breathing, which can be a sign of their sexual arousal. Being in sync may bring both of you closer to orgasming simultaneously.

Lubing up can increase women’s sexual stimulation and help them orgasm faster. Using lube can sometimes speed up natural lubrication, as it makes stimulation more pleasurable while minimizing any dryness. You can use lube to focus exclusively on the clitoris. Lubricant can also be used before sexual intercourse, to stimulate women inside (using fingers or a vibrator) and outside on the clitoris, making orgasming during sex even easier.

The clitoris is the only organ in women’s bodies that solely exists for pleasure. Knowing that it makes sense to focus on it to help bring on simultaneous orgasms. In fact, researchers have found that the clitoris, not the spot inside the vagina, is a woman’s G-spot. It is also more sensitive to vibration than any other part of the body. So whether it’s a vibrator, tongue, or fingers, focusing on the clitoris could be the key to orgasming.

If you often take longer than your partner to orgasm, have them focus on stimulating you, either orally or manually, for 10 to 15 minutes before getting in on the action.