Kapilire, unka iwekooo, Kapilire, unka iweko. Kumeneko kuli ana, eee, kumeneko kuli ana, ee, amamina, eee. This is one of the popular wedding songs, usually sang to the bride. It emphasizes the need for perseverance once in marriage. It, in essence, cautions the bride not to abandon her marital home over any slight misunderstanding. She must stand by her man and fight for her marriage, no matter what. Plausible advice considering that a lot happens in marriages. Or is it?

When two people born and raised elsewhere, differently and under varying circumstances meet and fall in love, they never become one. They remain individuals even when religiously they ‘become one’ after the wedding. Little traits always rear their heads and are hard to change or overcome. And because of the love element, either parties tolerate those traits to live with them.

There are reasons people behave in the manner they do. Some will not close their mouths when chewing. Some will never apologise. Some are stingy and don’t value sharing. Others never respect others and treat them like trash. Others will steal from their partners’ purses and wallets as they sleep or when they leave their belongings unattended. Some will not participate in the changing of their babies’ diapers while others love to be hands on parents. The examples are abound, but it all boils down to upbringing. It is from such upbringing that even criminals or upright citizens are born. And because dark behaviours are usually concealed, it is difficult to fathom them earlier on in relationships. With time, they come out and that is when that nice man or woman ‘suddenly’ becomes a wife or husband batterer. They may even abuse their children physically, emotionally and verbally. The ‘nice’ person becomes nasty and the victim feels trapped. But we are not in the business of psychological forensics to be analysing behaviours and tolerating them at the expense of our lives.

Society— instead of helping out— forces the victim, usually the woman, to persevere and ignore the abuses. Remember the wedding song in my preamble? That is what returns to haunt the relationship years on, officially accrediting the perpetrator to these culturally sanctioned abuses. In fact, the man (woman sometimes) is given the licence to thrill himself over others’ miseries. Some of them become fatal.

If it hurts leave. If it becomes unbearable, look for the exit without looking for cheer leaders of justifiers. Wamva mmimba ndi amene amatsegula chitseko. Do not wait to be told what to do. Do not wait for religious, traditional or community leaders’ endorsement to act. They act based on theory, not practice. Marriages fail and so do other relationships. Forever is never a guarantee.

This is a tribute to Nigeria’s gospel singing star, Osinachi Nwachukwu, 42, who died on April 28 2022. She was believed to have been a victim of domestic abuse. Do not wait for approval or appraisal if afflicted.

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